This Thing Called Life
by McLove
Summary: Derek and Meredith are married. But after tragedy strikes they hit rocky roads. Derek finds  Meredith's dark held secret that turns their world upside down. Can they survive it. Complete! REad it & Review It.
1. Author's Note

**HI. I love Grey's Anatomy. I'm 100 MerDer. I'm trying to put the together a story of what i imagine could happen. ofcourse drama because we would nt love Grey's if it wasnt for the drama. I love all the characters so they're definitely going to be here. I dont own Grey's or anything to do with it. **

**Please review. even if u dont like it. I want to know if people like it or dont. Thank You and enjoy**


	2. Good way to Start the Day

It was as sunny as it could get this time a year in Seattle. The sun was shinning through the window of the office. As much as she had wanted a day off to be able to do the chores that needed to be done in the house she just couldn't help but coming into the office to research her current case. After all people when to doctors for answers right, how could she help if she didn't know what the patient was going through. Meredith sighed, she was tired from the 60 hour shift she'd pull for the pass 3 day and after coming home late last night the one thing she wanted to do was the one that with the passing of each day seemed harder and harder to do. Sleep. Sleep without her husband.

She had seen him last a couple of hours ago when she had informed him that she was going home. Of course he had stayed because he had a surgery to supervise and paper work to do. Not that she was complaining. She herself worked entirely too much for long periods of time but with him it was worst, because he was Chief. He had been given chief after Webber had retired and the two of them had talked about how it was going to impact their lives. Meredith and her husband had both promised to make the best out of it and not let a job come between their love. Easier said than done she reminder herself . That had been 5 years ago when even their marriage was fresh. If it wasn't for the fact that they were both doctor and worked together she didn't think she would see much of her beloved partner for life.

The phone brought her back to the present. "Hello" she said sounding distracted.

"Mer, it me. I'll be home in a couple of hours" she heard her husband say. It still felt strange to think of Derek as her husband after those two long years of heartbreak and disappointments and plain chaos.

"Ok" she said. Still surfing the net for information on Mr. Stanford's case.

"Meredith" Derek said louder. "What are you doing? Your not paying attention to me" he said.

Damn the man for knowing her so much. "Yes Derek I heard you, do you want a party for coming home or something?" she said.

"I cant believe your still mad at me" she thought she heard a sigh from him.

This wasn't the right way to start the day. To bitch at her husband at 6 in the morning because he had to save lives. Plus it wasn't his fault either that the net wasn't cooperating with her today.

She pushed back from the desk. "No Derek I'm not mad…" she started. "It's just this case I'm working on is proving to be trickier than I was hoping"

"What is it?" he asked.

"Aneurysm in the left frontal cavity of the speech sector" she told him.

"Well I think your husband can help you out with that one." he said playfully

"You know what…." she said as if she were thinking. "I do think he can help me, that's the only reason I married him for" she played back.

"Well that's that then, go to sleep a little longer and when I get home I'll help you" he said.

"Ok. Love you" Meredith said the words that had become a ritual to say before hanging up the phone with her husband, even when she was mad. Ok maybe just annoyed.

"Love you too" he repeated.


	3. 72 Hours

It had been a long shift Derek decided going into the elevator. He missed his house, his room, his bed. He missed Meredith. His Meredith. He let out some of the much needed stress with a sigh as he made his way out the lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital and into the parking lot. He didn't think he could make a 30 minute drive from the hospital to his land without at least a half hour nap. But he needed to. He wanted to lay next to Meredith to sleep to be able to hold her while she slept. It been 3 days. Days without laying in his bed. Yeah he got a nap of 20 minutes between the burn victim and the infant that had fallen out of the car chair. But he hadn't been in his bed for 3 full days. More the his irritation he hadn't slept with Meredith either. And making love. God he could remember the last time he'd made love to his wife. The last time they've been able to get together for some time left them with a very fast, very pleasureless encounter about a week ago.

Driving into the main road he thought more optimistic. This would all be over in a couple of weeks. This was the season of new interns, people doing stupid brainless stunts. The endless paper work that came in with each and every one of the new staff members of the hospital. In a couple of weeks he would take a weekend off and let Sloan or Hinton cover for him. They needed this, the weekend getaway to some remote inn where it was calm. And no interruptions for sex. Lots and lots of sex. Besides it would be nice the last time the had gotten away before taking the responsibilities of his new job was for their honeymoon. And well he wanted to do something romantic for Meredith. She needed it.

Derek smiled at the thought of how strong Meredith was. Of all that had happened a year ago and he couldn't help but still feel guilty. Guilty about what he did and of all the pain that it had caused Meredith. He tried he really did to make her happy. He gave her the status she needed and the house with the cars and the love. But he knew that she needed attention. The attention of her husband, the man she had married 3 years ago. Meredith had been awesome when tragedy had struck their married life last year. He had been an idiot. Soon, soon it would be time to get away and show his strong breathtaking Meredith how much she meant to him.

Even when they had their downs Meredith was always the one giving in. For a girl that had been so closed to love 4 years ago she had transformed into this easy to get along with wife. Not that Derek missed the fight that lasted days but he missed the way those fights showed she cared. Obviously he knew deep did she cared. Or at least he wanted to believe that. After all that happened 5 years wasn't enough time to live and make everything up to each other. They needed forever. But Derek knew. He knew Meredith was running out of patience or love. He hoped to god it was patience and not love because without Meredith Derek was lost.


	4. More than a Laundry Fight

Meredith was laying on her bed. She had been there since hanging up with Derek. She wanted needed sleep. But just the thought of he coming home was enough to give her the strength she had needed to do all the chores she had pending. The only thing left to do when Derek got home was asking him to lay with her. Judging from the fact that he too hadn't been home in 3 days she knew he wouldn't object.

She heard the front door been opened. Finally.

When she opened he eyes minutes later Derek was coming into their bedroom. He looked tired. He needed a shave and most of all he needed to sleep. Thank god for that. She instantly felt guilty at the fact she was relieve he was going to want to sleep more than want to have sex. Not that she didn't need it but she just didn't want to have to pretend she wanted it. It still hurt. It made no sense for her to do anything else after her body had gotten ready to do the miracle of bringing a life into the world and then all of the sudden decide it didn't want to. So even if her body wanted to make love to Derek she still wasn't going to appease to her hormones. Not when those same hormones still cause so much pain in her.

"Hey" Derek said noticing she was awake.

"Hey. How come you're here?" she asked.

"I live here?" he said confused.

"You know what I mean I thought you said that you had a couple more hours to go" Meredith told him shifting her body to come into a sitting position.

"Well they're done" he said taking his shoes off and going into the walk in closet. "I see you got the laundry done" he said referring to the pile of close on top of the island that was in the middle of the closet. And without having to go thru it he knew they were his.

"Yes I did" Meredith told him.

"So now were at the point that you laundry and I put my own clothes again" he said with a shrug. "What's next, I do my own laundry" he said.

Meredith couldn't believe it. Sure she had left the pile of clothe there but they weren't all his. Plus she had been too tired to finish and Derek now was trying to turn that into a fight.

"Derek I don't have the energy for that right now" she told him with her tired voice switching into laying position.

"Well Meredith when are you going to have time for it. Because you don't have time for it at lunch, at work, at home. When Meredith?" he said coming out of the closet into the bathroom.

"Derek please" she told him.

"No I'm the one saying please." he told her. "You barely talk to me and when you decide to is like your not even my wife. So please tell me once and for all what I'm doing wrong" he said.

"Your so full of yourself" Meredith replied. Ok so he wanted a fight that was what she would give him. She got up

"First of all I told you I am tired." she said feeling her voice raising. "Second, the pile of clothe is there because I am tired. I worked a 60 hour shift and got home to do research on my patient. If you would've taking the time to see there are clothes of mine there too" by then she was yelling. "I couldn't fall asleep because of the fact that I cant sleep without you" she said irritated with herself. What the hell if she was going to do this she was going to do it until the end and fuck the consequences. "But you know what Derek think what ever you want. Since that's all you seem to do lately. Pick fights, yell, do what ever you want to do" she told him.

"I don't want to fight" Derek said. The fact was he was feeling guilty. He had been so caught up in getting a rise out of her that it hadn't matter if it was from a fight.

"Yes you do. And is good that you have energy for it. I don't!" she yelled. "So again do what you want. But your going to have to keep fighting with yourself." she told him.

Meredith got up and when into the closet.

Alarm Derek when after her "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm tired." she told him.

"What do you mean?" Derek was close to panicking. What did she mean she was tired. Physically tired. Emotionally. Or of him .

"Just that Derek" she sighed putting on a part of jeans and a tank top. She walked pass him into the bathroom to pick her hair up.

"Where are you going Meredith. We're not finished" he told her trying to get her to calm down and stay to talk.

"See you can't even hear what I'm saying" she told him. "I'm done" she told him walking out of the room and into the hallway to go to the stairs.


	5. This is for the Best

Meredith didn't want to go. She wanted to stay where she was. It wasn't anyone's fault that Derek and her were having so many problems. Well if they lived with each other at peace for more than 5 minutes it was a miracle. Sure Christina wouldn't mind letting her crash on her sofa for a night. But truth was she wouldn't be in this situation if she could sleep without him. Nice Meredith she thought to herself. Now everything is your fault.

Truth was that things with Derek had been going downhill for the pass year and half. Things needed to be fixed. What terrified Meredith more than confronting her husband was coming to terms of what was happening .

Meredith got out of the car she had gotten into so decisively 10 minutes ago. She wasn't going to run. She was going to do this. Even if it killed her. She made her way into the foyer drop her bag and her keys. And step into the right where the living room was located.

Derek had built the house for them as a wedding present for her. And she remember all the times she would tell him the house was way to big he would always tell her he wanted their home to be the same for ever. The same when the marriage started and the same when kids came, grandkids and so on. She smiled. Does were better days when Derek use to come home and they'll go out to a movie or dinner. Even a simple walk along the ferryboats dock made Meredith's day. All because she was with Derek. The Derek she had promised to love and hold for all her life. Until death do us part. Surely enough death had driven them apart even if it hadn't been their own.

She made her way into the back staircase. She went into their bedroom to find him laying in bed looking up the roof. This was the man she loved. But this was also the man she couldn't keep been destructive with. It was damaging them both.

"Derek" she started low.

Derek jerked at the sound of Meredith voice. 15 minutes ago they had argue for the stupidest thing ever and he felt like shit.

"Meredith, I'm sorry , I was an ass" he told her.

When he tried to stand up to go hug her she held her hand out as if motioning him to stay where he was.

"Stay there" she told him. " I need to be able to tell you this without feeling more guilty than I already do" she finished.

"Derek this isn't the way I imaging our marriage to be" she told him.

"I know Mer, I'm sorry. It's all my fault. The pressure and long hours from work. I feel terrible. But I promise Mer I will make it up to you. Things are going to change very soon" he said desperately.

"No." Meredith her herself say. "Things wont change and I'm partly to blame for what's happen to us." she said walking towards the 2 chair and a small table that was in the middle of the window in Derek's side of the bed.

She took a seat and looked down. She breath in and brought her head back once until finally looking at a very confused Derek.

"See Derek. I closed myself." she stopped not knowing if she could continue. "After the miscarriage I was lost." she started only to be interrupted by Derek

"Meredith…." he said looking at the hurt in her eyes.

"Please, please just let me finish if you don't I don't think I will be able to.." she continued. "I didn't want a baby, at first all I could think about was how bad of a mother I was going to be and that my baby…our baby was going to hate me for it. That I was going to screw up their life just like I screw up our first year together with my insecurities. Then as I started feeling it in me I couldn't help but love it. You were so attentive and you looked so happy. We were happy. Soon enough I needed that child like I need to breath. Everything was so perfect. We shopped and we laugh and we read about it. Then all of the sudden I wake up with this pain in my stomach in the middle of the night. The next thing I know I was in a hospital bed and Bailey was telling me how sorry she was that it had to happen to me" by now Meredith's eyes were watered just thinking about that awful day a year ago when every normality she had learn had come crashing down.

Derek too had tears forming in his eyes. But he told himself he would be strong for Meredith. She was finally talking about it and he wanted to be there for her.

"I couldn't look at you. I had taking away what you loved the most" she said.

Derek was stunt to here what had come out of Meredith's mouth. "Meredith you didn't take anything away and what I most love in you" he told her.

"My body Derek, my body spit our child out like if it was some kind of food it didn't want. So yes Derek I'm responsible for my body. The point is I closed myself because it hurt to be near you and see that you barely looked at me and when you did you had this look that pierced thru me."

"Meredith how can you think…say that" Derek said hurt. "Never, I never felt that way"

"The Derek how can you explain the fact that you didn't talk to me" she said.

"Meredith it hurt me to see that you were in pain. That's why I let you have your space. I never, Ever blamed you for the lost of that child. It hurt me as much as it hurt you" he said.

"Well Derek we both were wrong. We did what we could with the situation Derek . We did counseling. It's just cant be repaired." she told him .

Derek look up. "What do you mean Meredith" he asked. Knowing he didn't want an answer.

"Derek we drove apart from each other. We hurt each other instead of running towards each other. Believe me it's harder to realize that my marriage is over because we didn't know how to handle the lost of a child than the lost of that child itself." she cried. "It just hurts to realize my marriage is over." she cried.

"I'm not going to seat here and tell you that I don't love you…because I do. And mainly that the reason why I'm talking to you about this. I don't want to continue didn't this and when we notice we hate each other." she finished sobbing.

"Meredith what are you saying?" Derek asked panicked. "Explain this to me because I really don't understand." he said with a knot in his throat.

"I'm saying our marriage is over" she said looking at him. "I'll pick up my stuff and I'll be out of here by tomorrow."

"Meredith…." Derek said.

"Derek." she brought her hand up to stop him. "This is for the best. Ok?" with that Meredith walked out of her bedroom, out of her house, out of he marriage.


	6. Miserable Apart

Derek didn't know what had happened. One minute he had been praying that Meredith would call after she got where ever she had gone, then the next she was standing there telling him that the lost of their child had changed her. Meredith had actually opened up about it only to tell him a second after regaining his hopes that their marriage was over. But it couldn't be. Not after all they had been thru. Sure things weren't the best at the moment. The hospital pressure and the pressure they both felt from the fact that the last year had been chaotic, but it didn't mean that their marriage- the reason for him waking up every morning- was done.

Derek sat himself back into the bed. Who could they fool. Derek couldn't even fool himself. Maybe it was what he had hoped wouldn't happen, but it was what was inevitably had come to. Still Derek refused to give in to the thought that Meredith, his Meredith had walked out on the last 5 years of their lives. She said they both had fault. Derek knew, he knew that it had been him more than anything. The way he had pushed her out when the miscarriage had happen. It wasn't that he blamed her, but he couldn't look in her eyes and see the hurt he saw there. That much hadn't changed but Meredith had learn to keep it under raps. It destroyed him. It destroyed her. And in the end it was still -after a year- doing it's damage.

Derek got up and when into the bathroom to take a shower and clear his head. He needed to think with his head clear from all the work and all the other things. Nothing was a important to Derek as saving their marriage. He sighed stepping into the hot shower. He hoped he could save them, if there was anything left to save.

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Meredith sat in the couch that was in the hotel room she had rented. Her eyes were red and puffy by the time she had made it into the room. She had no energy left in her. Between all the work at the hospital and everything else happening at home it had been more than 48 hours since she had gotten any normal sleep. But still she cried. It was for the best, she tried to tell herself and everything she said it, it hurt her even more. The realization that all the foundation that she had had for the past few years had slowly silently crumble in months was harder to face as time started to pass. But she had to be strong. Sure her marriage was over but that didn't mean she had to let herself die. But in the mean time she would seat here in company of her best friend Jose Cuervo and she would drown her pains, or let her pains drown her. However it turn out would be better than having to coherently feel her life falling apart.

Slowly she started to fall into sleep. She let it happen because the only way she would get sleep tonight was if her friends helped suck out the little energy that had kept her from crumbling to the wrong -at least physically- lord knew every other form had already done it's damage.


	7. Report to the Conference Room

"Dr. Shepherd to Conference Room 2. Dr. Shepherd to Conference Room 2" the p.a. announced.

Meredith was running late. Her patient had been schedule to meet with her at 4 and it was 440 and she was now getting out of the O.R after having an emergency surgery. Hearing the p.a. call she debated whether to go, maybe it was Derek who they were calling but the nurse could have just forgotten to add the Grey in front. Someone in a rush might do that. But she didn't want to add to the chances of running into Derek. For the past 3 weeks she had been very successful at it, on a few exceptions where she had almost been trapped in an elevator with him. Thank god. Well not really he owed her that at least after screwing her over in so many ways. Meredith handed her patients chart to the nurse at the nearest station.

"Hey do you happen to know which Shepherd was the one being paged to C.R 2?" she asked the brunette working there.

"No Dr. Shepherd." the nurse told her.

"Ok. Thank You…..Oh and I want to be paged as soon as Mr. Dublin wakes up" she announced.

"Sure." the nurse said.

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Derek still didnt know why he had been sent to go to the conference room. All he knew was that to his knowledge people referred to Meredith as Dr. Shepherd now. Hopefully it wasnt the thing he most been dreading for the last weeks. Derek turned the corner of the hallway where the conference room was located in a hurry. He had surgery in less than half an hour and he wanted to go over some thing with the anesthesiologist before he started the extensive procedure he was going to perform on an 11 year old girl that had a tumor on her brain. As he was making his way to the room he saw Meredith coming out of the elevator looking down at her Iphone. She looked different. Well she looked the same but different. She looked ….well she looked normal. But it had been 3 weeks since he had since her and now the feeling of wanting her in his arms was stronger than the fury he felt at her for avoiding him for the past 3 weeks. The past weeks had been the worst for him. He kept expecting someone to come to his door serving him divorce papers, which would mean that it was real. More real than not having her in their bed or their house for the past weeks. He wanted to tell her something but he didn't know what way to approach her so she would not back out.

Derek let her make her way into the conference room before him. Hey at least he would be in the same room with her. Yeah Derek your officially pathetic.

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_Hey guys! Well I hope you guys are liking the story so far. Anyways I know these chapter is short but the next one is a big BIG one. Stay tune. Thanx for reading and feedback is appreciated._


	8. Getting Caught

Meredith walked into the room to see a full house. There were 2 man with suits sitting at the table. Then there was Dr. Roberts sitting at the other side of the table.

"Hello." Meredith started. "I'm Dr. Shepherd" she said acknowledging all the people present in the room. It looked serious.

"Hi Dr. Shepherd." one of the man stood up to greet her with a hand shake.

"How can I be of assistance today?" she asked. Right after she said that she heard the door being opened again and without looking back she knew who stood behind her by the reaction of the people in the room.

"Gentleman. Dr. Roberts" Derek said in greeting. He walked pass Meredith to seat at the end of the table. He sat and put the file he had in his hand on the table and sat down. Looking up he meet Meredith's eyes. "Dr. Shepherd" he said just as emotionless as he had sounded at the others in the room.

"Ok it seems we are all here." the man that hadn't acknowledge Meredith said.

"Exactly Why are we here?" Meredith asked. She didn't want to seat. She was late for her appointment and seating meant this meeting was for long.

"Dr. Shepherd if you would please take a seat." the man said.

"Excuse me?" she said not believing the man. "With all due respect Mr….." Meredith started.

"Landing" the man finished for her.

"Right, well I want to know why I'm been delayed for an appointment with my patient who had wake surgery on his brain less than 12 hours ago and needs my assistance." she said.

"Gentleman,…" Derek cut in. "Not to sound rude or seem like your visit is inopportune but I agree with Dr. Shepherd can you please cut to the reason you are here today?" Derek said.

"Right, sorry Chief Shepherd" Mr. Landing said then he turned to Meredith. "Dr. Shepherd you operated on Ms. Cantrell did you not?" he said.

"Yes. I did." Meredith said.

"Well it was brought to the boards attention that while you were performing the surgery you were under the influence" Mr. Landing said.

Meredith's world turned upside down. Damn. She knew her choices would eventually caught up with her but she didn't exactly expect it to be at a meeting with people from the board. She turned her blank stare at Dr. Roberts. The bitch. She should have asked her to step out of her OR as soon as the bitch had started to asked so many god damn questions. What would she do know? Deny it? How could she.

Meredith met the confused stare of Derek who was sitting on the other end of the table. Before she could come up with something other than the knot she had in her stomach he started to speak.

"Mr. Landing I am sure you are mistaken." Derek jumped at Meredith's defense when she was so visibly shocked. " I think you have the wrong person or the information all wrong" he said.

"No my sources are really reliable." Mr. Landing said.

"And can I ask who your sources are?" he looked around catching on the scene. The two people from the board Meredith. "Dr. Roberts" he said in a statement/question form.

"Chief. I'm sorry. It was not in my plans to have to catch one of my colleagues wrong doing but I can't keep quiet. There are people's lives at the hands of Dr. Shepherd and I felt the responsibility." Anile Roberts spoke for the first time.

"And instead of coming to me- your boss- you felt the need to go all the way to the board Dr." Derek said.

"Chief Shepherd do to the relationship between you and Dr. Shepherd that was the only way to go" she told him.

"Behind my back. Why?" he asked. "Because you thought I would protect her." he said without needing an answer to his question.

"Yes" she answered looking down.

"Well I don't need to protect her. She's done nothing wrong" he said sounding irritated.

Meredith looked at the scene before her and she couldn't help but feel guilty. Fact was that she had been caught. There was no need to jeopardize Derek's leadership for her mistakes. So she would do this. Maybe it was for the best.

"I was" she finally interrupted. Looking up and seeing everyone turning to look at her.

"Meredith" Derek said.

"I'm sorry chief" she told him trying to keep everything at a professional level. "Dr. Roberts wasn't wrong. She was also right to report me" she said.

"Dr. Roberts you can leave now." Derek said mad. What ever this would turn out to be he didn't want people at the hospital gossiping about Meredith. Not more than they did already.

"Dr. Shepherd what were you under the influence of?" the board man asked her.

"Morphine" she said shifting her eyes to the side and back again.

"What was the medical need of it?" the guy asked writing down something in his legal pad.

"None" Meredith said.

"Then Dr. Shepherd why were you on it?" he asked.

"No particular reason" she answered.

"Have you been doped up on the clock before?" he asked.

"Mr. Landing I plead, watch your language" Derek said.

"Yes" Meredith replied.

"So if there was no real medical reason for the drug. And you have done it before I feel implied to ask Dr. Shepherd, are you a morphine addict?" he asked looking curiously at her.

Meredith could've lie. She was still in time to deny everything. "Yes" she said.


	9. I'll stay out of your Way

Thirty minutes later when the people of the board were walking out saying that they'll be in contact Derek still felt numb. What the hell had happened in here. Why had Meredith said that. She wasn't addicted to anything. God this was a nightmare. He knew Meredith, she wouldn't do that, and even if she was on something she would never jeopardize her patients lives by not being at her best in a surgery. She was starting to leave when Derek acted.

He stood up and when she was at the door he called. "Meredith" he called her.

"Not now Derek" she told him moving into the door handle.

"Dr. Shepherd" Derek said with a strong voice. Fine if she wasn't going to explain to the husband. Ex husband. Currently separated or what ever they were she was going to explain to the chief. Her boss.

She stopped. Never in a million years she imagine he'll pull the boss card out on her. Fair enough she guess.

"What?" she said turning around.

"Seat." he told her. "Explain what just went on here and DON'T leave anything out" he told her.

Meredith went to seat where she had been sitting when her career as a surgeon had been put on probation until further notice. Not only that. She had been sent. Ordered to go to a psychologist.

"Well Derek you were here wont you?" she asked.

"Don't try this now Meredith. DON'T try me. You owe me after putting my career on the line with yours." he said.

"That's right Chief. I'm truly sorry. Thank God that MY career was the only one that was affected" she said sarcastically.

"Your choice was it not?" he asked her. "Listen, I won't make this into a fight. I want to know what's happening with you" he said trying another approach.

God she was screwed "I got caught up in it" she told him.

"I get that. Why?" he asked her.

"That's none of your business" she told him.

Derek lost the rest of the patience he still had "None of my business Meredith? None of my business? Are you serious. Let's not talk about what you did to this hospital's reputation. To my leadership. Let's talk about what you did to your career. You got probation Meredith. You are not to practice medicine until your clean. You can't make decisions over YOUR patients. That means some one is going to get your cases. Your on Psych consult until your are clean…for the moment. You know what that means. Your owned Meredith. Your not only going to have someone breathing down your neck for unlimited amount of time but because of you now I am going to have someone breathing down MY neck" he screamed. "So I'm sorry to disappoint you Meredith but this is my business and I'm more than certain your in this because you didn't want to make it my business in the first place but that's what u did. Only WORST" he said with all he had in him.

"Fine Chief. I'm sorry for putting your career on the line. Sorry that your going to have to tell someone your every step and sorry your going to have to have more on your hand because of me. I'll do the psych and I'll stay out of your way or any other surgeon for that matter, you don't have to worry" she said standing up and leaving before Derek could stop her again.


	10. I Can't Let Go

Meredith ran to the nearest bathroom. She felt sick. Literally and emotionally. She bend over the toilet and vomited so much she wonder where her body had found all she had vomited. She had keep this under raps for a good few months already and no one had notice. Not Christina. Not Izzie. Not even her husband. Well he was likely the one never to have notice. Still she had kept it a secret and now for a lousy mistake she had gotten caught. She felt her body shake and knowing the signs she knew she was going to have a panic attack. The fear of getting one of those was what had started this cycle with the morphine. At first she had discovered the wonders when the doctors had given it to her the pain after the miscarriage. It had felt so good. It made her feel like feather light and that nothing mattered and nothing could harm her. Sure it had become an addiction because of her easy access to morphine. The fact was that even when she knew she shouldn't operate on a high she also couldn't afford to have a panic attack in the middle of surgery. So her fixes kept her calm and on her field. When she used to get home she would actually just space out. So fine it was her fault. God knew she didn't have the best coping skills. But the truth or the matter was that she had let it get to this stage. That alone was a mistake she was surely going to start paying for. And soon. But in the mean time before tomorrow she needed something to help her with this now.

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Derek followed Meredith when she got out of the bathroom for the only purpose of wanting to talk to her but after he saw where she was headed he kept his silence. She went into a supply closet. It broke Derek's heart. Not only did it break his heart but it confirmed what he didn't want to think was true. He had to do something about it.

He went in to find Meredith searching frantically for a needed with a small bottle in her hand.

"Meredith" he said making her jump in fear. "What are you doing?" he asked her.

"I…I…I need something" she finished.

"No" Derek said moving closer to where she was.

"I…feel the panic attack Derek I got to stop it" she told him.

He moved in back of her and held her shoulders. "Breath. Nothing is going to happen to you" he told her. He caught the bottle in her hand and put it back in the shelve.

"Derek let go" she told him fighting his hold.

"No Meredith. I won't let you do this to yourself." he told her.

"LET ME GO" she raised her voice

"I can't" he told her. Meredith dropped to the floor and started hyperventilating. Derek couldn't get her to breath and she exhausted herself and passed out. Derek had her taken to a room in the hospital and when she was there he left looking for help.

Derek went into his office. Sitting behind his desk he saw a picture of them 2. The picture had been taken on the 2nd day of their honeymoon. Meredith had been so happy. Derek could tell not because of her smile but because of her eyes. She had a sparkle in them that said how she was feeling. The same sparkle Derek hadn't see in a long time. The other picture on his desk was one he had taken of Meredith on an impulse. Thinking now that weeks later they had found out she was pregnant. He imagine that in that picture she was already pregnant. He sighed running his hand thru his hair. How could things have gotten to this point. How could Meredith be so deeply bruised and he as her husband hadn't seen it. Derek could help but feel guilty. He may have acted wrong or have missed something before but not now and not ever again. He got the phone to call the one person he could think of for help.

"Dr. Kingston" a woman's voice sounded at the other end of the phone.

"Elizabeth. Hi it's Derek" he announced.

"Derek" the woman's voice lighten. "What do I owe the pleasure of this call?" she asked.

"It's .." he paused. Was he doing the right thing? "It's Meredith" he said.

"Is she ok?" the woman asked concerned.

"No Liz she's not" Derek said sounding defeat.

"What happen Derek?" she asked.

"I'll explain everything I know. Which at this point is not a lot. But please I need to know if you could come for a few weeks maybe." he said.

"Derek, I'll do what ever you need me to but you gotta to me hun" she told him.

"Oh god Liz I don't know what to do" Derek said as he let the tears he had been holding back for so long fall.


	11. Calling for Backup

Meredith came out of a the deep sleep she had been in for the best 10 hours. Derek had made it clear he didn't want to give her anything. She was to lay there in the bed and just sleep. When he got bad from talking on the phone she was asleep and so he went to do his morning routine and came back later when he was finished. All the while she had been sleeping Derek had had a chance to think about the course of action he could take when it came to her. Meredith needed rehab, therapy and if she were to refuse he could make it mandatory. Ultimately he was her husband and under the law if the person is not fit to make decisions for themselves it was the spouse who did. He wanted what was best for her.

"What are you doing here?" he heard Meredith say.

"Just checking up on you" he told her.

"Well I'm fine ok so just, …just go" she told him.

"Listen Mer I will do anything you want me to, but not now ok. Now you need me" he said trying to make her see she needed him .

"Whatever Derek I don't have the strength to fight with you" she said.

Derek was about to talk when he heard a knock on the door. He got up and went to open it.

"Liz, how good to see you" he greeted the woman.

"Hi Derek" the tall blonde said walking further into the room. "Hi Mer" the woman greeted Meredith.

"You foolish idiot" Meredith heard herself say before she could stop it.

"Well not the response I was thinking of" the woman said confused.

"Not you Liz, Derek how could you be so dumb?" she addressed Derek.

"Now Meredith don't get mad at the man. He wanted the best for the love of his life" she started. "and let's face it. I am the best" she said with a smirk.

"Liz I'm sure you are but the was no reason what so ever to call you. Derek had no right to call you." Meredith said.

"Fine let's say he had no reason to call for help. But he does have to call his sister from time to time." she said innocently.

"All you Shepherds think everything is the way you want it." Meredith said.

"Listen Mer all I want is for you to get better. If u want to hate me after you get everything settled fine. Hate me. I'll deal with it. But for now you got to let me help you help yourself" Derek told her holding back his impulse of touching her.

"I don't want your help Derek. You've done enough" Meredith said wanting to hurt his feelings just like he had done when he had called his sister.

"Alright you too, that's enough. Mer Derek was only trying to help you out" Liz started

"Yeah and you had to up and leave your practice because Meredith needs help" Meredith said.

"Sweetie when ever one of you two are in trouble I'll come running. Now Derek. I'm sure you got stuff to do here so why don't you leave us two girls be " she told Derek.

He understood. Sure his sister didn't waste no time getting to work. Which was good. When this was all over he would give her a very big present for Christmas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meredith couldn't decide whether she was mad at Derek for calling his sister or glad. All she knew was that she was pissed off, more than she imagine possible.

"Isn't it funny how guys always end up screwing thing more" she said to Liz some time later that day after they had had lunch together.

"Mer," Liz tried to explain "Derek is….." she was cut off by Meredith.

"an ass" Meredith finished for her.

"maybe so but he is also worried about you" she said slowly.

"Elizabeth don't talk to me like if I was on the verge on breaking. I'm not. I can handle my own pretty good. I don't need to be an inopportunity to you I will get my therapist by the board and I'm sure Derek as chief is going require I see our shrink. So your good. I appreciate you been here but you have got to go." she told Liz.

"Tell me about it" Liz started.

"About what?" Meredith asked.

"The first time you did it?" Elizabeth asked.

Meredith debated for a minute. It was if it she wasn't going to have to deal with it. The fact was that she was mad at Derek. Mad at the fact he knew her so well. Still when she wanted to believe nothing mattered anymore between them he did something to regain that status in her heart. It played tricks with Meredith's brain. As well as her heart. Fact was Elizabeth was here. She had wasted the money, taken the time off her schedule to come. Let's face it Meredith she told herself. Liz won't leave until she is satisfied.

"I don't remember the date" Meredith said.

"Why?" Liz asked again.

"Listen Elizabeth go report back to your brother that this is over. To send you back where you belong with your kids and husband and career. Just leave. I am not a child anymore Damn it. I can hold my own." she said in fury.

"Well Meredith you are sure acting like one." Elizabeth got up and left the room.


	12. Making Meredith Come to Her Senses

Fine Meredith thought. She was being insensitive. It was fair that Elizabeth had come all the way over here for her and for her to act like such a bitch. She needed to get perspective. On everything that had happen. Now that it was out on the open she was going to overcome it.

Christina walked in the room when Meredith was getting her stuff. Today after a week of been staying for observation on exhaustion she was going home. Well maybe not home but she was going to her hotel room.

"You ready because I gotta go pick up Kyle at the Center" Christina told Meredith. Kyle, Christina's one year old was Meredith's godson and her every day remembrance of her own lost child.

"Yeah let me get the stuff from the bathroom" she told her person.

Christina had agreed to drop Meredith off after been released. She and Meredith had been able to talk, really talk about stuff for over a month. With everything that came with the one year old Christina barely had time for her own bath between the kid and the husband and the career.

"So are you …"Christina started to ask.

"I'm fine" she told her.

"Good because I won't steal stuff for you" Christina told her in her dry humor.

"It's fine, you don't have to. Turn left" Meredith told her.

"If you want to go somewhere tell McDreamy. I can't take you" she said to Meredith who had instructed her to turn the opposite direction of Meredith's house.

"I'm not going home Christina" she told her.

"Where do you suppose I take you, McDreamy would kill me if he gets home and doesn't find you" Christina told her.

"Your taking me to my hotel room" she told Christina looking out the window.

"You and McDreamy having a fight again?" Christina asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Me and Derek are over Christina. Have been for the past month" she said.

"What?" Christina asked. "How come I didn't know this" "I mean ok we haven't talked but I would've know something from the nurses gossip" she told her.

"Yeah well they don't know either." Meredith said.

"No wonder you had to rely on our best friend" Christina told her.

"No Christina I didn't start using because I left Derek. Ok? Drop it." Meredith warned.

Christina was taken back by Meredith's attitude. Yeah her person had been down for a while, everyone knew, but no one imagine it was this bad. "God Meredith, listen I know that this isn't easy. I can imagine it hasn't been easy for you to lose your child. Fine. I get that. I can't imagine not having Kyle in my life even when he is at his worst. Which can be pretty bad at times. But stop and think. Don't be a moron. It was Derek's baby too. You know how many times I found him crying before surgery the months following the miscarriage. Learn from it, Grow from it, Don't break down because of it." she told her.

" I said I didn't want to hear it" Meredith said with tears in her eyes.

"Well is not like that's stop me before. All I'm saying is it happen to both of you. You both can be hard headed and you too care way to much for the other one's feelings. That's what gets you to the problems in the first place. Stop thinking what Derek is going to feel. Live for you. If he loves you, if he does than whatever you do, how ever it makes him feel, he'll stick with it. Have faith in him Meredith. But mainly believe in yourself." Christina finish.

"You know what for the Christina Yang I knew, you've soften up to the extend." she said.

"Yeah well things happen Mer. Plus I was left at the altar the first time around by my husband. That's faith you know." Christina told her. "I'll take you to the hotel. But think, If you are going to turn your life around think of who you want in it and how you want it to be" Christina said turning left.

Meredith sat in the passenger seat of the car. Thinking.


	13. See You at 8

Meredith had been laying in her hotel room's king size bed for a couple of hours now. She missed Derek. The whole week she had been admitted he had been there, even when she wanted to ignore him. He never left her side if not for an emergency. Christina was right. It still hurt but she was also right about Meredith acting like a child. She was talking about her marriage for sakes. Not a boyfriend. Her husband. The life that they had built together for the past 5 years and even when does times hadn't been all peachy Derek had always been there. In the end it had been her pulling away from him more than him been absent. She loved him. Why lie to yourself Meredith, she thought. He became a need. Now things where back to bad for them but maybe when she got it together she could tell him that she was sorry. Meredith thought about how that might go. What if he meet someone else in the process. She couldn't even imagine it. But if it happened it wasn't like she could blame him, for all he knew their marriage was over. A divorce. She hadn't even seen a lawyer before her hospital stay. In Meredith's book that was enough evidence that she didn't want a divorce deep down inside.

Right now what she had to do was get herself in a good place. Calm, tranquil place. Be surrender by her family, which she had also pulled away from. Re find herself. She didn't want any baggage left after her recovery. So she was ready to do what ever she needed to do in other to be the old Meredith. The Meredith that couldn't wait to have a gathering at the Shepherd house with all the people that meant the most to her. Her family in her house. Looking around the room at the pale yellow walls and the mahogany bedpost and nightstand the modern look of the room she thought she didn't belong here. She belong in the house the love of her life had built for their family. So maybe the family stage wasn't in the picture. The love of her life was.

She got up and went to the table that was at the other end of the room to get her I Phone. She speed dialed 2.

She was nervous. That she would admit. Listening to the fourth ring she decided that it at the 6 ring she would hang up.

"Derek Shepherd." Derek said in a agitated voice at the other end of the phone.

"Derek, it's me , Meredith" she said.

The was a ten second silence "Meredith, are you ok?" he asked the first thing that came to mind after the shock of her being on the phone.

"Yeah, I'm good. I was just calling to, …um… to, to say thank you for taking care of me at the hospital" she finally managed to get out the words.

Derek was stunt to hear from her, more so when she was thanking him for something he thought she wanted him out of in the first place. "I, it was , I didn't mind, I wanted to." he said nervous.

"Well I wanted to also tell you that I want a few days leave" she said.

"Um, I, I'll have to get back at you for that one because of the board. I don't know if they will allow it." he said. 

"Ok" she responded.

"Do you mind me asking what you need them for?" he asked afraid of the answer.

"I needed to, well I wanted to go see mom. You know Liz left and I wanted to go there so they could see me and be at ease." she told him.

"You want to go see my mom" Derek asked still chocked.

"Yeah, well if your getting territorial. Plus all the rest of them." she paused. " I need to Derek, you know. I'm telling you because first you're the boss but second because I promised Liz I was going to talk about stuff." she said feeling herself getting more nervous. "Well never mind, I understand.." she started to say.

"No Meredith wait, I …um….well I could talk to the board." he said. " I'll call you back. Can I?" he asked.

"Ok" she said. Then hung up.

She had forgotten the most important thing. She grab the phone and redialed.

"Shepherd." Derek said sounding distant.

"It's Meredith, I well I also called because I wanted to know if…um…you could take me to get my car at the hospital, Christina brought me and I don't have any other transportation" she said fast.

"Sure. I'll be done here at 8 so if is ok I'll call you when I'm on my way. Sound good?" he asked.

"Thank you" she said hanging up the phone.


	14. 2 months Cold Turkey

Derek picked up his briefcase and looked at his watch, it was fifteen pass eight and now was when he was ready to go pick Meredith up. He had walked around in total numbness after her call at noon. For the pass month it had been a struggle to her to even acknowledge his presence or get her in the same room with him but today, today she had called and asked him for a favor. She had actually call him. Derek walked out of the elevator and was walking out of the front doors of the hospital when he opened his phone and dialed The Ritz.

"Ritz, Gina speaking" the woman answered.

"Yeah the room extension for Meredith…" he paused. Had she used her married name or her maiden name. " Grey" he said judging by how mad she had been.

"One moment sir" the receptionist told him. "Sorry sir we don't have any Grey on our records" she said.

At that moment he felt a little brick of happiness. Just by the thought of Meredith using his name. "Try Shepherd. Meredith Shepherd." he said.

"Ok……Oh here we are. You want me to connect you?" she asked.

"Yes please" he said. Thinking that he had never been more nervous at anything.

The phone rang twice before a very out of breath voice picked up "Hello?" Meredith said out of breath.

"Meredith is Derek. You ok?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I had just finished taking a shower when I heard the phone." she said.

Derek imagined her in a towel and against his own wishes got hot all over. I mean sure this wasn't the time but judging from how he and Meredith were practically rabbits, or had been, it was natural. She was his wife. She was the only woman that awoke that passion deep inside him. But right now Derek was going at his second month without so much as a make out session. That was hard. But he understood Meredith now and before this pass 2 weeks he had been to tired to want anything. Still his was a man, a man that had just been informed that the woman he desired most was naked or in a towel. He was bound to get hot, at least.

"Are you on your way?" he heard Meredith asked.

"Ah, Yea…….I'm like 15 minutes aaway" he said forcing his mind out of the gutter.

"Ok I'll be in the lobby waiting" she told him.

"Ok, I'll see you in a bit" he told her hanging up.


	15. Talking

When Derek got to the semi circle of the Ritz Hotel where Meredith was staying he station his Audi A5 at the corner end. Even if Meredith had called him only for a ride to the hospital it still gave Derek hope. She had called him, not anyone else. She could've gotten a cab. But she had called him and it was all that mattered now.

Stepping out of his car he when across the road from where the cars where coming and leaving the Ritz. Derek didn't know exactly why Meredith had chosen this hostel out of others in the area, others closer to their house. But then again Meredith had been mad and hurt when she had left that day.

Taking his first few steps into the hotel lobby he spotted her. She was wearing a light sweater with buttons on the top. Meredith looked skinny. Skinnier than Derek had known her to be. He had missed that too. She looked so fragile. Her hair was down with a clip on both sides that kept her bangs in place. Her jeans supported his theory of her losing way.

She meet Derek's eyes when she saw him about 4 feet away from her. Here was a man she loved. The man she loved like she would never love again coming to help her after all that had been jeopardize because of her weakness. He looked like if he had taken a bath. His hair was still a little wet and he was shaved. She knew everything about him. His routines. If there was something Derek hated was not having time to shave.

He finally made it besides Meredith. "Hey" he said greeting her only with a smile, not sure what else would be appropriate.

"Hey" Meredith told him.

"So you need to go to get your car at the hospital?" he asked her.

"Yeah." she told him.

"Well let's go on then, shall we?" he asked taking his hand and gesturing her to start ahead of him .

They got to the car and sat down. As Derek was making his way onto the main road he decided it to break the silence that had settled in the last minute.

"How you been?" he asked her.

"Good. Normal." she said. "Bored." she confessed.

"Yeah?" he asked amused. "Uh…." he said.

"What,.." she looked at him knowing he was finding it weird she was bored but good. "I can be both you know at the same time" she told him.

"No,, I'm sure you can" he said with a smirked.

"Whatever Derek, believe what you will" she told him. When Derek made up his mind about her state of being there was no changing it. Not that he was far from the truth. But admitting that would fed an already overfed ego.

"Hungry" she added.

"Your hungry?" he asked.

"Yeah, I mean the hospital food is horrible, and I hadn't really eating a meal in a couple of days" she told him.

"Yeah I got that from your jeans" he said out loud.

"I'm sorry?" she asked.

"Mer you look like you've lost weight" he told her looking at her.

"I guess" she said thinking about it.

"Tell you what" he started. " I haven't eating either. I came straight to get you from the hospital. Let's go grab something to eat before I leave you with your car. What do you say?" he asked.

"Um….I don't know Derek. I wanted to go home and get some clothes" she said.

"Well you can do that too. Come on Mer, it will be fresh air" he said hoping she wouldn't refuse.

"Ok" she said.

"Ok?" he asked not sure he had heard right. When she nodded he asked her "What are you in the mood for?"

She thought about it for a second. This was bad. She shouldn't go to dinner or to grab a bite with Derek. He would eventually want to talk about them and Meredith wasn't ready to come to terms with what she wanted for them. Screw it, she was hungry and he had offered. "Pizza" she said.


	16. Realization Day

They drove to an Italian restaurant they both like very much. After Derek had announced how many people they were to a brunette waitress, she had seated them at a corner of the restaurant. The lights were dimmed good for intimacy but not enough for romance. They order the appetizer with a beer for Derek and apple juice for Meredith.

When their garlic bread arrived Meredith and Derek were well into conversation. About random stuff. His day at work and her day in the hotel room. It was normal. It felt good to be here together like nothing had ever happened. Talking and eating. Something they hadn't done in a while with all the craziness of the past months. They had lost that time ago, but now it felt, normal.

"You remember what you said to me when I proposed?" Derek asked out of nowhere taking a bite out of his bread.

Meredith thought about whether to answer him or tell him she didn't want to go there. At least not yet. Eventually he would want to talk about them and Meredith needed to come to terms with what she wanted for them. But what the hell, she thought. He was here. If he asked she would tell him. Communicate, she remembered Elizabeth telling her. No more pulling back, and no more thinking about not hurting his feelings. Don't asked questions you don't want the answer to she thought.

"Yeah" she said content with a hint of a smile in her face.

Their waitress came with their medium Hawaiian pizza. Derek thanked her and grab his first slice. He laughed at the memory of that day.

He had been so scared. So petrified that she would say no. He had proposed the day after their second anniversary of meeting at Joe's. Meredith had agreed to marry him under one condition. She wouldn't have to cook. After that agreement all of Derek's self control broke when he let his tears began to fall picking Meredith up and spinning her around with happiness.

"You were so nervous" she reminded him.

" I had reasons to be nervous" he told her. "I mean we had been going steady for three months. I thought you would run away screaming that you didn't want to see me again" he said. "But I couldn't not asked you. The desire was there" he finished.

"Well why did you? You know you were never the one to act merely on your desires" she said.

Derek remembered the day he had realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Meredith.

_They had been together-officially- for 2 month. After Meredith saying he was asking for too much and their break up sex Derek had decided to give her space. Which he thought it meant Meredith finding someone else. After they came to the conclusion it was no use been broken up they had gotten back together. One day Derek was coming out of a 6 hour surgery tired, grumpy and mad. He hadn't seen Meredith in two days and needed a shave. He pass by a conference room and heard voices. He immediately discarded it until he heard one of the voices that sounded like Meredith. She was mad, he could tell by her tone. He stepped closer to come in when he heard her._

"_You don't get it do you? She was saying. "is it that I'm been a bad communicator or just that you don't want to get it? She was saying._

"_Come one, everyone knows he cheated on you, you doing the same is not as bad as you make it seem." a male voice said. _

_Derek was furious. Meredith was cheating on him. Two months. He was ready to go not taking any more of it when he heard what he had waited to hear since for ever, even when he never asked. _

"_I can't. I won't. Because for your information, Derek didn't cheat on me. It was never like that. And even if he did, I don't want to. I love him, George. I love him even when I cant stand him." Meredith said._

"_Mer he hurts you, Finn is back. He is nice. He has never hurt you. Just dinner. Once dinner if it doesn't go well you forget it. Derek doesn't have to know." he said._

"_But I will George." Meredith said. _

_Derek's mind and heart were everywhere. Meredith loved him. Even when she hadn't told him she did. Not only had she forgiving him for Addison but she had forgiving him for all his other childish things. She loved him with his cons. She wanted him and the baggage he brought even when there was a man who obviously didn't have half the problems Derek had. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. Then and there walking to his office he knew that after all they been thru the only thing he wanted now was the realization of her becoming Meredith Shepherd._

"I needed to" he said coming back to the present. 5 years later sitting across the women he loved more than himself, who was also the women he had wronged so much.

Meredith looked him in the eyes and understood the meaning behind his look. She chocked up the words that wanted to come out of her mouth. The problem with soul mates was that once you found each other nothing could be hidden from the other anymore.


	17. Home

3 weeks later it was a Tuesday and Meredith was off from SGH, which was great because she had a lot of things to do. She wanted to get the airline ticket for New York seen as it had been a month that Elizabeth had left. Derek had been able to get her 2 weeks off starting Friday. She wanted to be able to go to her house and get some clothes, nothing fancy just enough for her to spend the 2 weeks there in the house with her family. She really needed it. She wanted to talk to Aides and wanted to chat with all the other girls too. Talk women. Not to be rude because Derek had proven to be for the pass month that he could be a friend, but there was only so much she could tell him. For example it wasn't like she wanted to tell him how badly she needed sex.

Sure it was her own fault, she had been the one requesting time off from their marriage. Still she had guess-hoped- that Derek would come around and start romancing her even thought she asked for time. Derek hadn't, he treated her like a friend. Sure they had kissed now and then, but still. She NEEDED more.

Meredith felt good. For the past month she and Derek had gone out almost every night. They had been to dinner, the movies, ferryboats. Just having a good time together. Still there had been no romantic dinners yet. He doesn't want me anymore, Meredith thought. That's why she needed to go to New York and get perspective.

Her phone rang and she got it from her purse and answered it.

"Hello" she said. Driving towards her house.

"I heard your coming to see us" Aides voice sounded at the other end.

"Mom" she said with a smile on her face. "Yes, I leave Sunday" she told her.

"How wonderful, so are you guys staying long or just for the weekend?" Aides asked.

"Well I'm coming for 2 weeks, but Derek isn't going to make it" Meredith told her mother-in-law.

"Really? How come. I thought Derek said in the email something about a vacation?" she said.

"Well yeah, I'm the one going on the vacation." she said thinking that Derek's mom was not happy about the news.

"Well then we'll make it man free as possible so he doesn't have to get jealous so many miles away" she said.

"Yeah mom, listen I'll call Friday when I know the time I'll get there. I'm so excited." she said.

"Ok, honey. Give Derek a kiss from his mother" she said before hanging up.

When she drove up to the drive way of the house that had been hers and Derek's for the past 5 years she felt a sense of weirdness. Not even the fountain that was located at the middle of their circle driveway looked the same. She hadn't been here in almost 2 months. She had asked Derek mainly to bring her clothes and nothing else. She thought that the less she took out of their house the less realistic their separation would be. Shit, she thought remembering that no one knew they were separated. Sure Elizabeth knew they were having problems but not enough for Meredith to be out of her house for the past 2 months.

She parked the car outside of the garage to evade having to open the door. She wanted this to be as quick as possible seeing as she still had a million things to do by the end of today. She got out of the car and started going up the few steps that led to the double front doors of the house. She used her key. It almost felt like the key was going to break or not fit into the lock. Your been silly Meredith, she told herself putting the key in and turning it. When she opened the door she was surprised that the alarm didn't go off. Derek had probably forgotten to put it again. He did that a lot. She stepped into the foyer and dropped her purse and keys in the round table that was at the center of the foyer. She had missed home. The colors that she had picked for the walls. The furniture that had taken so long to get because she and Derek had different view of styles.

Meredith went into the right where the living room was. The mahogany furniture was her favorite, even when it had been Derek the one to pick it. She acknowledge that nothing seem to have changed since she left. She when pass the living room to the doors that led to the home office. There office was unique. They had decided after a long debate that they were going to need 2 computers. So they had ultimately put 2 spaces for their notebooks that was separate by little space. All across the wall there was shelves. For their books, files. Sure Meredith had managed to put some pictures here. The printer was at the end of the table. The best part about the office, in Meredith's point of view was the window that overlooked the lake and the forest that was behind their property. Meredith decided she didn't want anything from there and when out to make her way to the back of the first floor. To left wing of her house, the dinning room was the first thing that came into view. For this room Meredith had picked a crème beige for the furniture color. The table was round and it had 7 chairs. She remembered the day they had picked the table and when she asked Derek why he wanted so many chairs. He had told her 'Someday we might need them'. True enough she agreed after she had had her house warming party.

She decided to make it to her room seen as walking pass the stairs to her right she would go into the hallway that led to her kitchen and the breakfast room. Her kitchen to was Beige with brown. Even when they were making the plans she had assured Derek they didn't need a kitchen, little did she know she would love to cook so much the kitchen was one of the places she spent a lot of time in. She went up the stairs to her room. When she went into it she was so deep into the past that she barely saw Derek before he reacted.

"Meredith" he said alarmed. He was in a part of sweat pants. His hair was culmed and he didn't have a shirt on. So much for living fast and avoiding a meeting.


	18. The Drought  is Over

Derek had just finished getting dress when Meredith walked into their bedroom. He had seen her last yesterday afternoon when they had gone for lunch. She was looking better than she did a month ago. She had gain weight, not that that was a surprise judging how she was always hungry when they went out. Which they had done a lot. It made Derek happy to see her happy, calm. Truly calm. Not just pretending she was. It was a relive to him. At least he was getting to be with her through this, even if it never made up for the time he had been absent.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you'll be here" she told him.

"No it's ok you just scared me, that's all" he said.

Seeing her here after that hot bath he had taking didn't help any his cause. He had been keeping his hormone in check. Not thinking with his dick. But around Meredith it was all he could do, at first. Then he managed his hormones and would get to the normal talking parts, but that was becoming harder as time went by. Self love wasn't cutting it anymore.

"I'm off today and I wanted to come get the clothes for the trip seen as I'm going to work my but off these few following days." she said. Meredith was feeling Derek's stare pocking a hole thru her body.

"Yeah, well I'm I'll put some shoes on and be out of your way" he said turning around going into the closet. She followed him into the closet and went to her side. She was picking clothes some minutes later when Derek spoke.

"Did mom call you already?" he asked.

He was making the task of ignoring him at this time harder than it already was. "Yeah" she barely said.

"Is something wrong?" he turned around when he heard her answer.

"Umm, No" she said. Damn. Damn. Damn.

"You sure because you sound weird." he said walking towards her.

"Stop it Derek. I said I'm fine. Drop it" she told him irritated at herself for the lack of control.

He didn't say anything else and instead went out of the closet. She had no right to lash at him like that. It wasn't really his fault that all horny Meredith wanted to do was have Derek jump her in the middle of her walk-in closet. She went out of the closet and drop the clothes on top of the bed. She saw Derek coming out of the bathroom.

"Derek, I'm sorry. That was un called for" she told him.

"It's fine" he said harshly.

"No it's not. I know it. It isn't really your fault" she told him.

"What isn't Mer. I'm here." he said.

"It's just. Your making this very hard for me Derek" she said walking the around the edge of the bed to the chairs next in front of the window.

"Making what hard Mer. I thought everything was ok" he said confused. "I mean I've given you your space and talked to you, what is it I'm doing wrong?" he asked.

"Damn." she cursed. "How can I tell you this without sounding like an idiot"

"Just say it. If it's how your feeling it's not idiotic" he told her walking up to her. When he was already standing in front of her she lashed out.

"This Derek. Your everywhere, all the time. All I seem to want to do the past 2 weeks is jump you and I'm trying really hard and you just make it even harder." she said in a hurry as if she was going to die before saying it.

It knocked Derek off his feet. He had been expecting her to tell him she didn't want his help anymore. That she was tired of him. But never in a million years her telling him felt the same things he was feeling. That she was fighting the same things he was fighting. That alone made him laugh.

"Why are you laughing Derek. This is serious" she told him. A few seconds later she was waiting for Derek to stop laughing when he suddenly did and when she meet his eyes she knew she was in trouble.

"Derek" she said when his expression turned more serious. She saw his eyes change from amused to needy.

He wasn't about to hold back what he most wanted after she had announce her needs so he grab her hands and started to pull her up to meet him.

"Yeah?" he asked in the process.

"What is it that you think you doing?" she asked petrified.

"If I heard you wrong you feel stupid because you want to jump me, well I'm going to do the jumping so you won't have to feel bad" he said when she was finally eye to eye with him.

He gave her a window to refuse. He left it there for her to decide whether she wanted this or not. She sighed. what was she suppose to do leave when all she was, was telling her to stay and give in.

"We…I…We can't" she said.

He kissed her on the side of her neck. Small but with big effects. "Why?" he asked going back to the kissing.

"Because….this…it will mean…"she couldn't concentrate. His lips on moving down her neck to the hallow of her breast was all she could think about.

"I won't stop till you tell me why we can't" he told her before dipping his head to one of her very needed nipples.

"That…This…Your not been….ah" she finished.

"Um" he said sucking her nipple to the point of torture. Derek stared backing them up until he was between the bed and her. He sat down and looked at a very flushed Meredith. He stared to undo the button on her yellow blouse. When he was done with the button he went to work on the pants and when he was done doing that he when to finish the task of taking the blouse off her shoulders only to notice she had already done that.

"If you don't tell me to stop, I won't Meredith" he said grabbing her pants by both sides to pull them done.

"I'm not….I can't… I want this" she said and brought her hand to his hair. At least he didn't have as much clothe as she did.

"I won't care for regrets later" he said after her pants had dropped to a pool at her feet. His hands went to do the same thing he done to her pants to her panties.

"I won't" she said pulling him back to the mattress. She wanted this so much. She needed to feel this connection from him for so much that now it would drive her insane if she stopped.

He didn't bother to talk anymore and when she was on top of him he rolled her to the bottom and went to make his way down her body when she stop him.

"You can do that later. Next time. Right now I need you." she said groaning.

He understood her pain and went to work on pulling his pants down. When the task was done he came back on top of her and looked at her. Meredith felt love. Besides her hormones being all over the place she knew what love felt like with Derek.

"Come on Derek. Please." and with that plead Derek drove into her like if it was the one thing saving him from dying. They both moaned. It had been too long for both of them. They had played around each other for the pass month and now finally they were done playing.


	19. No such thing as Too Much Sex

They were laying in the still made bed. Some of her clothes were still in the bed and most were on the floor. The sex had been amazing. 3 months without had made it incredible. Now approximately 10 minutes after they had been done none of them two had talked yet.

"Say something" he told her.

"That was" she said.

"Great" he finished for her.

"No more like awesome" she said turning to face his naked form.

"That wasn't what I had in mind for today. At all" he told her laughing .

"Yeah well that happens when I'm sexually deprive."

He laughed. "Well then I'm glad that I was the one around. And I thank you for un depriving me of sex also." he said joking.

"My pleasure" she said.

They were both looking at each other. After tip toeing around each other and the talk about their relationship it came time to do it.

"Meredith…" he started.

"I know. Let me get dress and we can talk." she said getting up.

Derek had put on the same sweat pants he had and Meredith went into a drawer to put her Dartmouth shirt.

"You hungry?" he asked her.

"Yeah." she said.

"Well let's see what's down there to eat and we can talk in the family room" he said.

The went down and decided on a frozen pizza that was in the freezer. 15 minutes after they put it in the timer sounded and Derek went into the family room with Meredith behind him with two beers. They each grabbed a slice and after Meredith had swallowed she started to talk.

"I don't know what to do" she said honestly .

"About?" he asked.

"I want to be here in my house. I love you. I do. But I cant help but fear things will go back to the way they were before. I don't want to screw us up more than we are. It's good now. We have fun. We enjoy each other. Something we started to do less and less after…."she trailed off.

"I know Mer. I do. I see my mistake now. I should been there, pushed you to accept my help even if you faught me. I thought I was giving you space to deal with it. I won't do it again" he said.

"I made the mistake of thinking you didn't want me anymore after the miscarriage Derek. We both wronged. I just don't want to wrong again with you. I feel if I do, then there would be nothing left to save." she said.

"Well Mer. I can only give you my word. Which should be more than enough for us. Take all the time you need. I just want you to be happy Mer. I need you to be happy. Even if it means we have to be on break. I don't mind. You need to be cleared on what you want. I won't push, just like I haven't pushed lately. It's not an act to get you back and when I do I'm going to become distant again" he said.

"I know. Give me time Derek. As soon as I'm ready I'll let you know. I promised." she said getting closer to him.

"I love you Meredith. I've missed you" he said.

"I know I've missed you too. I love you." she said. "Thank you for not leaving me alone this time. I've needed you there and you've been more than helpful" she told him snuggling into him.

"O honey I'm here for forever" he said smoothing her hair down.

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These last days had been like a dream to both Meredith and Derek. They had spent almost all their time together inside and outside the hospital. They had been having sex like 2 horny teenager who had just discovered sex. They had had sex in all the place they hadn't gotten around the house yet. They had come close to been caught more times than she had wanted to admit. But they couldn't help it. She laughed now in the airplane remembering the encounter in the airport bathroom 2 hours ago. She was like a horny teen. A teen who had just discovered she had fallen in love. She already missed him. Missed him with all she was.

When she got to New York Aides was waiting for her.

"O honey, I'm so happy you're here" she told Meredith hugging her.

"Mom. I am too" Meredith said in the embrace. She put her bag in the trunk of the cap and sat down. "How's everyone?" she asked when they started making their way out of the airport.

"Oh everyone is fine. The kids are waiting for their aunty Mere" Aides said.

"Oh I've missed them so much" she said smiling at the thought of all her nieces and nephews.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Derek or I'm I going to have to making him sorry and harass it out of him" she finally said looking at Meredith.

"Mom it's a long story." Meredith said.

"It's a long ride" Aides answered obviously not giving up.

"I love him." Meredith said.

"That's not a concern of mine." she answered.

"I can't live without him" Meredith said more to herself than to Aides.

"Why would you have to?" Aides asked intrigued.

"Oh mom. I've made such a mess" Meredith said sighing. "I'm not sure it can be repaired"

"Well honey you know there's a problem, that in it's self is a step. Come on let's get you to the volcano the Shepherd house is and then when your settled we can talk about it" she told Meredith.


	20. Coming Clean

Derek was going crazy. He hadn't heard from Meredith in a week. She had called to say that she had gotten there ok and that was all. He didn't want to call her, he knew this was her time to be alone. Plus he had made it a point to call Chris- his bother-in-law-often to check up on her. According to Chris Meredith and his mom had gone shopping and came back full of stuff, but mainly they stayed in. He wish he could be there. He missed spending time with all the people that mattered the most to him together. But been chief wasn't a job that allowed you to take much vacation time.

Still not all was bad. The board had decided to end their monitoring two days ago and everything was getting back to normal. He hated having to report to someone what he did or didn't do. He wanted to call Meredith and give her the news but decided it was better to tell her once she got back. Maybe for her it wasn't all that easy. She would still have to see the therapist once a month but within a few months that would stop too. Finally things were getting back to their normal positions. Everything except him and Meredith, which was still in limbo.

His phone was ringing when he noticed. "Hello" he said.

"You know that a mother never appreciates having to hear bad news about their sons from other sources that aren't them." his mother said.

"Mom" he said..

"Yeah, you did you think it was?" his mother asked. "Right well Meredith is taking a shower, we're going to catch a movie." she told him.

"How is she?" he asked.

"Good. Having time for herself." his mother started.

"Good." he said.

"She's also missing you" his mother finally told him.

"Ready?" he said sounding brighter.

"You don't give her much credit son." she said. "Like you don't give me much either. How come Meredith's been going thru the worst phase of her life for the past months and I didn't know about it?" she asked.

"I'm sorry mom. I was just overwhelmed. I mean it was a surprise to me too. I just called someone I thought could help her, on a professional level. Plus you know Meredith she would have killed me if I told the whole clan" he said.

"Son. You were having a hard time too. You could've asked me not to say anything. I won't have." she said.

"I know mom but after Liz left I dedicated myself to making her comfortable and helping her. I forgot. Plus I knew Meredith would get thru it. Why worry you about it." he said.

"Because that's my job" she told him.

"I'm sorry." he told her.

"Son. How bad are things between you 2?" she asked.

"The exact degree ma, I don't know. But I'll like to think not as bad now as they were a month ago." he said. "She had left me, before finding out about her addiction she had left me" he said truthfully.

"Oh my baby. You 2 are so stubborn" she told him.

"Yeah mom we are. The lost of the baby hit us more than we led on to believe and when we notice it was late. I can't imagine where we would be now if her addiction hadn't come out in the light" he said. "I wasn't there ma. She recruited to something else because I, as her husband wasn't there" he said hurt.

His mom was the one person that knew his this way. He didn't allow himself to be sentimental, vulnerable in front of anyone except his mother. She knew his moods even by the sound of his voice.

"Stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong Derek, you can't control everything." she told him.

"Yeah mom but everything is so out of control." he said. "I've made so many mistakes."

"Well no one ever gets things right the first time around." she told him. " I love you Derek, you want to change the world and you've got to remember it starts by doing an act of random kindness at a time. You and Mere will be Ok. Trust your heart my boy. You've got hers." she told him.

"Now I'll let you go because I promised to accompany your wife to the movies." she said.

"Ok." he said. "Mom…." he started it.

"Consider it done" she said without having to hear what it was he wanted to tell Meredith.


	21. I'm going Home

Meredith didn't want to leave. Meredith was having the time of her life. Sure she wasn't in Vegas or in the Greek Islands but this to her was perfect. For the past 2 weeks she had spent them with her family. She had gotten to talk to Derek's sisters. Gone shopping, gotten a new hair cut and to the mall with Derek's mom. She missed Derek, she did. Seeing how Aides and Michael loved each other still after 50 years of marriage she had hope. She wanted that for her and Derek. She wanted to be able to give advice to her son's wife too. Tomorrow she had to go back home. Not only to Seattle but back home where her clothes were and most importantly where her husband was. She was picking up her clothes early so she wouldn't be in a hurry later on to pack when Aides walked in. She had stayed in Derek's bedroom.

"Hey" Aides said.

She looked up from her bag and smiled. "Hey"

"So your going home tomorrow?" she said as a statement and meant it as a question.

"Had you forgotten?" Meredith asked only to get the meaning of the question afterwards. "Oh you mean?" she said.

"I mean are you going home tomorrow or back to where you had been?" she asked.

"How did you know?" she said seating down on the bed.

"Honey I'm a women and I have 4 daughters who's marriages aren't always perfect." she told Meredith seating down across from her in the bed.

"Yeah, well at least their still in their house working on them" she said.

"Honey we're all built differently." she started. "You know after Tara was born Mike and I were having so many problems that we decided to part ways. We did. We stayed separate for almost a year. But we made it work, it took time, all goods things do, but we made it" she told Meredith a story that not even her daughters knew.

"Hence the age gap between Tara and Erin." Meredith said.

"Yeah." she smiled. "The point is Mere that marriage needs work on it's self. When a couple has what happen to you and Derek it makes it even harder." she told Meredith.

"I know mom, I just. I couldn't help but think it was my fault you know, I was the one carrying the child." she said sad at the memory.

"And your body knew there was something wrong with it sugar. It didn't happen because you didn't want it" she told her. "But if you don't let those thoughts in the past we wouldn't make it work. If you want to make it work, start over, act like if it was your first day in the marriage. Forget the ugly and the sad." she said.

"I love him" Meredith said.

"I know. Just like I know he loves you more than life. Just like I also know he never blamed you for the baby. And that he'll do anything for you" Derek's mother told her.

"Thank you" she said.

Getting up Aides was at the door when Meredith talked.

"Mom." she said an when Aides looked back Meredith had glossy look in her eyes "I am going home tomorrow" she told her.

"Than tomorrow can't come fast enough" she said.

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Derek was laying in the couch watching a football game when the house phone rang. He was going to let the machine get it, anyone important knew that it was more probable to get a hold of him on his phone. But the ringing wasn't helping, plus the game wasn't going the way he wanted to so he got up and when to get it.

"Hello" he said.

"Derek?" Meredith sounded surprise.

"Meredith." he said.

"Hi. I'm sorry I haven't called but I wanted to enjoy this seen as I wont see them until my vacation time next year" she told him.

"It's ok. I was kind of worry but you were with mom, she would've called if anything." he said. "What time should I pick you up tomorrow?" he asked.

" I get there at 2." she said.

"Ok I'll be there. Everyone there?" he asked.

"They are miss, they miss you. Especially the kids, they wanted to play with uncle Derek" she said.

"Mom and Dad." he asked.

"Happier than ever" she told him smiling loving the way he cared for his family. " I need a favor Derek" she told him.

"What is it?" he asked opening the refrigerator door to grab a beer.

"I need you to go to the hotel for me." she told him.

"What do you need?" he asked .

"I need you to pick up my clothes and check me out" she told him.

"ok…" he didn't know what that meant. "And where should I take them?" he asked.

"Leave them on top of the island, I'll organize them when I get them" she told him.

"So that means..?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'm going home tomorrow Derek." she said.

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Meredith landed in Seattle a new women. She was brighter, happier and looked amazing. When she met Derek in the airport they had embraced for minutes that felt like eternity. They had missed each other. Meredith was determine to let everything go from the past to make things work. Derek was determine to show her how much she meant to him. So they didn't need to say anything, didn't need to make any promises to each other, because promises were just words said. They didn't need that because no matter what life brought them now they would over come, together.


	22. Feeling PeachyNOt

"Mere, are you ok?" Derek asked still holding Meredith's hair as she was bend over the toilet.

"Just peachy Derek" she said sarcastically.

" I mean we should a some test, maybe you got the flu" he told her.

She stood up finally after been bend over there for 10 minutes. It was 3 am and she had gotten out of bed before she had to change the sheets with vomit on them. She went over the sink and washed her face. She was pale or maybe it was the lighting but still she looked pale. "I'm fine" she told a worried Derek looking at him in the mirror.

"Well sweetie you've said that for a week now. If you have the flu is better to start fighting it now before it leads you to stay in bed" he told her. He came closer behind her and hugged her. A week ago when she had thrown up the first time they had believe it was the Chinese food they had had for dinner, but now it was getting Derek worried.

"I'm fine honey, look let's go back to bed and I promise that if this keeps on at the end of the week I'll let you do how many test you want ok?" she told him lovingly.

"Ok" he said kissing the side of her neck.

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For the past 3 months things had been going great. Everything was perfect. They were acting just like Aides had suggested, like newlyweds. They stayed home watching a movie or went out to eat together. They called each other and tried to see each other at least once every hour. Which was proving very entertaining since they would have quickies twice- at least- in the hospital. Everything was good. Since New York they were inseparable.

Meredith was coming out of an on-call room smiling when someone came behind her.

"You know what it might be better if you take that 'I just fuck' face out before your next patient." Alex told her.

"Screw you" she told him playing.

"You just had some McDreamy and you want more. What is he not performing?" he asked bothering her.

"His performing better than you ever will in a lifetime" she told him.

"What happens in a lifetime?" Izzie asked coming around the corner.

"Meredith here says McDreamy is better than me, which shows she's obviously confused, or never had a dose of Alex yet" he said.

"You and your ego Alex , I swear it can fill up the whole west wing of this hospital" Izzie said.

" So Meredith, Christina wants to go over to Joe's later on, you in?" she asked.

"Sure" Meredith suddenly felt the hospital spinning around.

"Are you ok Mere?" George asked when he notice how pale she was.

Everyone was looking at her now. With a questioning look in their eyes. Great. "Yeah I'm fine is just I haven't had lunch yet. Anyways I'm off to fine Derek" she said leaving.

Izzie George and Alex were still figuring out what had just happened when Christina got there.

"What are we looking at?" she asked given in the patient chart to a nurse.

"There's something wrong with Meredith" Izzie said.

"So what's new?" she asked.

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Derek was still worried by the end of the week. Meredith was sick, there was no denying that but with what. She was constantly pale like if she was about to pass out. Everything that she eat would end up in a toilet. So he was going to drag her to get test done, even if it meant the whole hospital seen her like that. He was sitting in his office doing charts when she came in holding herself to the wall.

He immediately stood up and went to help her get to the couch that was in his office. "Mere, what's wrong?" he asked sitting her down.

"I feel like I'm going to faint" she confessed.

"Oh honey, what is wrong with you?" he said smoothing out her hair. "Have you eaten?" he asked her.

"Yeah I did" she said and when she looked at him she added. "And it didn't stay down for long" she said.

He went out of his office and went to the nearest supply closet and got the equipment to draw some blood. He wasn't going to play around when it came to Meredith.

"Where did you do?" she asked him. When she saw the needle she panic. "Derek what are you going to do?" she asked him.

"Mere at this point I need a blood test just to rule something serious out ok? You're sick and I need to know of what" he said.

He drew blood from Meredith and send his secretary to take it to the lab. He put a rush on it. Later that day Meredith went to pick it up just like she had told him she would. She wanted to know what was wrong with her too. I mean sure she felt good if you didn't count the nausea she felt all the time, all the throwing up business. She was there waiting for the lab when Christina came to her.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked.

"Some labs Derek needs" she said not wanting to tell her the labs were from her.

"So Izzie seems to think there something wrong with you, you know now she keeps an eye closer than before. So my duty here is to ask. Are you ok?" she asked.

"I'm good Christina , I'm just feeling under the weather ok?" she said. The lab technician came and gave her the result papers. She didn't open them until she was in the elevator on her way to Derek's office seen as Christina would be suspicious she was opening the labs. When Meredith first saw the results of the test she double checked the name of the paper. This couldn't be they had to mistaken her result with someone. But the paper said it very clear as if they had just finished changing the ink on the printer so it was darker than usual. Meredith Grey-Shepherd. The next feeling she had was the world going down on her.

When she was opening the door to Derek's office she didn't even know how she had gotten there. She laid there in the sofa for a while waiting for him to get out of surgery. She had one of her own in the next 30 minutes. Seen as her privileges had been return that week Meredith had had back to back surgeries since then.

Derek came in looking tired. He saw Meredith laying asleep in the sofa. She had probably fallen asleep there waiting for him. Poor her. She was probably exhausted from all the surgeries she had done the last week on top of feeling so poorly. Thinking about how she was feeling he saw the paper she was holding, thinking it could be the test results he went to get it.

When he read the results he was stunt. How had he missed this. Surely it couldn't have been anything else. O god this was real, really happening. He couldn't help but feel so much fear for those results from the test. When he was still thinking getting used to the idea and going into different scenarios in his head Meredith woke up.

"Hi" she said sounding tired.

"Hi" he said. There was a minute of silence when they both looked at each other knowing they both knew. "So.." taking a breath he finished "Your pregnant?"

"Yes" she said. Not knowing whether to feel happy or panic about it.


	23. Dull

How was this going to play out. Meredith could not want this because of her past experience. How was she going to react. He didn't know what to think. All he knew was that this time around what ever happened he was going to be there. No matter what.

"Meredith talk to me sweetie. What are you feeling?" he asked her sitting next to her.

"I'm scared" she said honestly. Even thought that wasn't the real word. It was probably more like she was scared to death. Petrified. "Derek, if something else happens I wont be able to handle it" she said crouching to him.

"Everything is Ok love" he said hugging her. "What is it you want to do?" he asked. He needed to know what to be prepared for.

"I'm pregnant Derek" she reminded him. "I can't, I won't just get rid of it." she said. "I, I'm confused Derek" she said.

"Oh baby I know. But I'm here. Decide what you want and then we'll be able to come to terms with it" he said.

"Ok." she looked at her watch and saw it was time to go for her next surgery. "I love you" she told him walking out.

"Me too" he responded. When Derek was alone he couldn't believe it. Meredith was pregnant again. He, they were giving another change to be parents. He was scared but nothing compared to the joy he felt knowing she was carrying his child. All there was left to do from his part was pray.

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Later in their house Meredith was sitting in the counter eating ice cream when he came in the house and saw the light at the end of the house on and knew she was there. She sat there eating ice cream with a worry expression in her face when she heard him enter the room.

"I'm eating this and hoping it stays down." she announce him.

"Yeah?" he said looking at her.

"There lasagna in the oven. I tried that but it didn't even make it down my throat." she told him

"You cooked?" he asked surprised.

"Yeah, thought I got to say I thought it was going to be easier but just the smell. It wasn't a very pleasant cooking time" she said grabbing another spoon full of ice cream.

"Honey I could have order something" he told her.

"Yeah I know but I wanted to make lasagna. It's what I make when we are celebrating remember?" she said.

"Yeah it is." he said going to get a plate and serve himself lasagna. It was what she had first made when she was taking cooking classes. Since then it had become their meal of choice for special occasions between them 2.

He served himself and went to seat next to her .

"Babe, please somewhere where I cant smell it" she reminded him.

"Right" he said taking the chair that was facing where she was seating. After tasting it he was happy she had cooked. " It's great" he said with a full mouth.

"Thank you" she said using the spoon to play with the ice cream now.

"So what are we celebrating?" he asked drinking a sip of coke.

"That we're having a baby silly" she told him.

"So that means." he stared at her.

"It means that we have to make an appointment with Dr. Keith so we can know how far along I am and for him to tell us what we have to do to be able o prevent a miscarriage. Also for him to give me some vitamins seen as I can't intake food and this won't work if I don't gain weight." she said. "It means that I'm probably going to have more moods than I've ever had in my life in a matter of 9 months. It means your probably going to want to kill me for my craving in the middle of the night." she said.

"We're celebrating" he said.

"We're celebrating" she assured him.

"I love you" she told him.

"I love you too" he told her.

They went back to eating that Friday night. Normalcy something they were used to already. But in less than a year it would change. Baby crying and needing feeding in the middle of the night. Dull. Life was never dull for Meredith and Derek Shepherd.


End file.
